As parents, it hurts our feelings when you find out your child has been hiding something from you– about their friends, life, school, obstacles they face. You wonder, ‘Why didn’t they tell me? Why didn’t they come to me for comfort or advice?’ Moments like this require us, as parents, to pause and self-reflect
But sometimes, it’s not about what our child isn’t telling us. It’s about how we’re listening or have responded to them in the past. If your child is hesitant to talk to you, it might be because they don’t feel safe or comfortable opening up. Working on your active listening skills can level up your parenting game and make your child feel safe coming to you with any problem– no matter what it is.
Validate Their Emotions with Active Listening
Sometimes your child just wants someone to commiserate with. They want to feel like their problems are being listened to with a sympathetic ear. If they tell you a problem they’re facing and you jump straight to offering a solution, they may not always feel listened to or like their feelings are valid.
Before offering solutions and brushing off their emotions, take the time to really listen to how they’re feeling. Let them know that you’ve heard how they’re feeling by saying something along the lines of, “It sounds like you’re really frustrated by [specific situation], and I can see why that would be tough. Can you tell me more about what happened?”
Give Your Child Your Full Attention
It’s no secret that parents are busy people. On top of managing their own lives and running a household, they organize and manage the lives of their children as well. Sometimes we can be so caught up in problems at work, with friends or family, and constant chores, like doing the dishes and mowing the lawn, that we fall into the trap of multitasking when our children are trying to talk to us.
Don’t try to do the dishes and listen to your child at the same time. Even if you’re an excellent multitasker, your child won’t feel valued. When your child comes to you with a problem, stop what you’re doing and give them your full attention. Crouch down to their level, make eye contact, and really listen to what they have to say.
Wait to React
Don’t jump to conclusions before your child has finished their sentence. Interrupting or reacting too quickly might send the message that you’re not truly listening or that you’re more focused on solving the problem than understanding their experience. Not only does waiting to react ensure your child feels safe telling you their problems, but it also means you won’t overreact to something that turns out to be relatively minor once you’ve heard the full story.
Your child may be really struggling to tell you something important. Wait patiently and allow them to take their time. It’s important that they don’t feel judged or rushed. Give them space to share their thoughts without fear of judgment or interruption. Take a breath and pause before responding. Think back to your own childhood. Share a similar experience you went through, so your child feels like you understand them.
Active Listening Tips for Parents:
Ages 8 to 12
Get on their level: Crouch low to meet your child’s eyes when they’re speaking to you.
Repeat back the emotions they’re feeling: This validates their emotions and lets them know you understand and sympathize with them. For example: “It sounds like you felt really left out when that happened. I can see why that would upset you.”
Wait patiently: Sometimes young children have a hard time finding the right words to express their emotions. Don’t try to finish their sentences for them. Allow them to finish at their own pace.
Ages 13 to 16
Don’t judge: teenagers can be extra sensitive to their parents’ opinions. Wait to react until they’ve finished their story.
Ask, “Do you want to vent or do you want me to suggest solutions to your problem?” Sometimes our teenagers just want a safe person to vent to. Asking a question similar to this one sets clear expectations for what they need at that moment.
Set aside dedicated time to check in with your teen. Take advantage of quiet moments after dinner to sit down with them and ask how they’re doing.
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